Don't pass your CV under the toilet door

And other useful tips for being good at networking

Trinny, Jan Masters, me and Laura Summers

I went to a lovely dinner last night hosted by Trinny Woodall at The British Design Museum. It was to launch her new eye cream, Take Back Time.

Apparently it’s taken the Trinny London lab three years and 57 iterations before anyone was happy to bring it to market. So I’m excited to slather the results of that commitment to perfectionism on my weary eyes.

It was technically a work evening yes, but I was really looking forward to going. Maybe it’s because I work in isolation a little bit more these days, but I do get excited about events where I know I’ll meet new people. And I really lucked out last night, getting seated next to some really smart and vibrant table mates. You can check out my new friends on their Instagram accounts:

Vicki Neave

Sade Aknsanya

Venus Wong

Sarah Corbett-Winder

I even met a radio star from my husband’s neck of the woods - Mansfield! That never happens. Laura Summers

As usual when a bunch of women get together, it didn’t take long to dispense with the lightweight pleasantries and soon our conversations leapt from the issue of balancing our strident feminism with raising nice and happy sons in a post-Andrew Tate world, to our high school bully scars and the worst things people have ever said to us on Instagram and - you can always count on me - a tutorial on Kpop. Yeah, Trinny now has a lot of info that she didn’t ask for on that. But I found a fellow grown woman/ Kpop stan too in Venus, which is always a thrill.

I came away having had a genuinely entertaining and uplifting evening. Maybe I’ll never see any of these women again. Or we may find each other in the same room for work again soon and it will be lovely to see a familiar face. And, you just never know - we may, at some point, be of some professional use to one another.

This is always the relaxed way in which I like to approach the weird world of networking. I decided to write it about it here, because I get asked a lot of questions about exactly how to do it. How do you make useful contacts? How can you persuade someone who may be able to help you to meet for a coffee? ‘Networking’ is a word, a concept, that intimidates so many, because it’s come to be so loaded with some bizarre pressures and unrealistic expectations. 

I blame LinkedIn. The whole vibe of that place jades the crap out of me. I can’t think of one enriching connection I’ve made there to be brutally honest with you, but I really can name a ton of great relationships I’ve made via Instagram and yes, even Twitter. I just find LinkedIn so soulless. There’s a rabid and vacant hunger to just collect, collect, collect - everyone adding and reaching out and connecting and circling back and exploring to the point where it’s all meaningless. I’ve never known anything like the amount of cold-calling I get where I’m truly baffled about how the other person thinks our interaction would be useful for either of us. 

No, when it comes to networking, I’m really rather analogue. Indeed, the hardest truth to accept about networking is that it’s usually an organic, indirect and slow process. Which can be so difficult to have the patience for when you’re hungry for progress, I know. But patience is vital. I’ll give you an example from my own experience. 

Back in 1999, I was the editor of New Woman magazine. I’d been doing it for nearly two years. My employers had a pretty overt policy of moving editors on quickly. Once you’d hit three years in a job, they felt strongly that it was time for ‘fresh eyes’ on a magazine. I was being gently encouraged to start thinking about what I might like to do next. I had no clue what to do after New Woman and I was starting to feel anxious about the subtle hints being dropped to figure it out. But I knew I needed to be the one who took action, rather than have the action done to me. I’d already been fired once, you know?

One thing I decided I could do? Get my face about. In those days we were out every night of the week at beauty launches and what not, but I made an effort to say yes to invitations that I might normally turn down ( especially if that hit show Sex and the City was on). My only strategy, for want of a better word, was to be out, and maybe increase my chances of hearing about possible jobs on offer. Vague, vague, vague. But it felt passably pro-active in lieu of any other plan.

So one evening I found myself sitting at a work dinner next to the editor of Conde Nast Traveller magazine, Sarah Miller. I honestly don’t remember much about it at all, we chatted the night away, swapped stories about editing, all the usual pleasant small talk. It was about eight weeks later when I got a call from the MD of Conde Nast, Nicholas Coleridge. They were trying to find an editor for their new launch, Glamour magazine. Sarah had mentioned that she’d met me and thought I seemed smart.  

I had made the conscious effort to Go To More Things and Talk To More People. Sure. But I didn’t turn up to any of these things with the expectation that there would be any neat equation of Go Out = Get New Job. Sometimes you will want networking to work a certain way and it won’t, while other times you will be utterly blindsided by the time something random and great comes from it.

So I’ve made an attempt here to offer some thoughts on how I get a lot from networking. But first, a small list of things not to do. If you find my list of don’ts insulting, it’s a sign that you are a well-adjusted human being. But these are things that have happened to me so I have to think that some people still do need to be told.

1. Don’t fire me, and then land in my inbox randomly one day, after 17 years of no contact, to ask if I can help you  - and I quote -  ‘impress a young girl with all the important media people I know.’ (I am proud of myself for not replying ‘fuck off’ back to that one. Instead I just deleted it.) This example is very specific to me, but you get it. If you’re going to ask for a favour, have the decency to work up to it with a few warm-up calls and emails.

2. Don’t wake me up on a train or a plane to give me your business card.

3. Don’t cheerily tell me that you had no interest in talking to me at the dinner party table until you quickly googled me on your iPad under said table and so, OK, now you see I might be useful can we go for coffee and talk about me giving you a magazine column?

4. And definitely don’t ambush me from the other side of the door when I’m in the loo. For all you know, I am possibly trying to discreetly deal with an unfortunately timed, but nevertheless necessary number two. At that time, I’m not going to be inclined to focus on your work experience needs for next summer.  

This is all a very long way round of saying ‘don’t be rude’ which seems simple enough. But there’s something about ‘networking’ that messes with a person’s brain chemistry, I’m convinced of it. It’s as if, because what’s at stake is someone’s career, then all due deference to manners is out. That somehow it’s not only acceptable, but almost charming - a sign of great passion -  to be annoying. I think some people think they’re doing it wrong if they’re not all in your face and immediately asking to pitch something to you, asking for follow-up coffee dates or just straight up asking for a job. 

I can’t be the only one for whom that just does not work. There’s a point where plucky becomes pushy. We all want to be memorable. But not for the wrong reasons. 

Also, what does the word even mean? I think for many, it conjures up intimidating, crowded rooms full of strangers and headache wine, all thrown together in a corporate version of speed dating. Those situations are a thing, yes, but if you’re the kind of introvert who could vom at the very thought, you can still network. I did it last night at a very small dinner.

I’ve met some of my now closest friends through social media. That’s how I met Stacey Heale and here’s the thing about that. We started talking because we’d both written about BTS for newspapers and were excited to find another person who would let us wang on about it. But while we gravitated to each other in friendship, it turns out we’ve often been able to help each other out in a professional sense from time to time. My point is: You really never know where your contacts might lead you. A person doesn’t have to be immediately, obviously, of benefit to you to become just that. 

Here are some guidelines for good networking.

Do go to things on your own

My point being, don’t turn down invitations just because you have no one to go with. Personally I find attending things on my own forces me to make more of an effort with strangers. I’ve written before about how to get over feeling shy about this. My number one piece of advice is to just wade in, introduce yourself and be genuinely curious about people you’re talking to. 

Keep your expectations casual

Don’t fixate on any one particular outcome from networking. Yes, it’s normal to be excited and hopeful if you know someone’s going to be there who makes the hiring decisions for your dream job. But go to things with as open a mind as you can possibly muster. Be ready to have real, normal conversations with all sorts of different people. Because you could end up being really surprised about who really turns out to be great for you to know. 

Forget you, be interested in others

If you can’t do this, you can’t network. If you only want to tell people your stuff, it’s not going to work. Don’t make it obvious that you’ve decided the person you’re talking to will be of disappointingly little use to you and you’re dying to find someone more important to meet. It’s rude, but also shortsighted. You don’t know this person yet. They, like you, are more than their job title. You don’t know who else they know and where their links could take you. So don’t filter every person you meet through ‘How can they help me?’ - showing genuine interest in others is a very good way to be remembered favourably, and that can be useful.

Worst case scenario - you may meet someone who you just happen to like as a person. When I wrote a piece about BTS for The Times - sorry yes, this is another Kpop story but it’s short - I was approached by a woman who was interviewing a ton of people for a documentary she’s working on about female fandoms. On the surface, there wasn’t really anything in it for me apart from the fact that my newfound status as BTS Army was bringing a few extra shitz and gigglz into my day. Not only is Stef now a very close friend, connecting with her has brought other networks into my life that have resulted in me getting some interesting and well-paid work. You never know where your contacts might lead.  

Don’t rattle off your CV

This has happened to me a lot. And I don’t want to sound callous about it. I understand that people are keen, and getting jobs is bloody tough. But I think it is a rare thing that you will walk out of a networking event having been hired on the spot in this way. Personally what I respond to are things like specific questions about career development. 

I was once approached on a train station platform by a young woman who recognised my face from the editor’s letter page in Glamour. She was very polite and a bit shy, but she said she couldn’t pass up the chance to ask me for ideas on how she might get started as a manicurist on photo shoots. I was really impressed that she’d had the confidence to do that. She was friendly and specific in what she was asking me about. I gave her a list of the best agencies to show her work, as well as my email so I could put her in touch with people on the magazine who knew more than me about that world. She is Ama Quashie who now does nails for Vogue magazine covers and major fashion shows like Burberry and ad campaigns for brands like Loewe. And she deserves every ounce of her success. 

Do happily be the useful one

It’s not a one-way street and if you can help someone, do it. It never hurts to be nice to people and it could pay off for you down the line. And yep, sometimes you’ll get nothing out of it whatsoever. When that happens, I find it best to shrug and believe that the universe will also do you a no-strings solid when you need it.

A word on cold-calling

People often ask me if it’s OK to just land in the inbox of someone you don’t know to ask them for a meeting or a coffee or just some advice. Yes, of course. 

A true story from the Trinny dinner last night: I sat next to Venus a writer for Refinery 29 a Tik Tok creator (and my fellow Kpop fan). She told me she was an avid Glamour reader when I was editor and got in touch with my assistant at the time, Medini, to ask if she could have a coffee and just get some advice on starting in magazines. She never forgot that Medini took the time to meet up with her. Medini didn’t get anything in return, unless you count a very warm glow last night when I texted her this pic and said, you did a generous thing for this woman and she never forgot.

‘Wow!’ Medini texted me. ‘It is 100% something I’ve tried to do over the course of my career but I never thought it made much difference. Also something I needed to hear right now!’ It was a lovely, full-circle moment and sometimes that is enough.

I’ve cold-emailed people, and they’ve contacted me. I try to always respond but I can’t swear that I’ve always managed to. When you’re getting in touch with people who don’t know you, your hit rate will be low, but never zero. And you have nothing to lose. 

I once read this incredible piece about taking an adult gap year in The Idler magazine. It really resonated with a lot of stuff going on in my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was seized with wanting to talk to the writer. To be honest, I didn’t follow my own advice: I couldn’t think of anything specific I wanted to ask him. But I knew I wanted to tell him that his writing had affected me, and beyond that, I just really wanted to talk to someone who seemed to have cracked open my head for a rummage and wrote down its contents. So I found Dan Kieran on Twitter and just DM’d him. We ended up having a really lovely chat over Zoom. I so appreciated him giving me his time for no real reason other than good old fashioned kindness. And if he ever wants a favour from me, it’s totally happening.

Generally though it does help to be more specific about what you want from a meeting. Ask if the person could possibly spare you 15-20 minutes to answer your questions about ‘x’. 

If you don’t get a response the first time, I don’t think it hurts to try again. Personally I probably give up if I’ve had no response to about three attempts. When I was an editor chasing celebrities for covers, I absolutely never gave up, but for personal things, apparently I have more pride. If you’re more thick-skinned, you do you. 

It’s such a huge, hard topic to write concisely about, but I’ve tried. I’d love to know your thoughts and tips and when networking has gone spectacularly well or badly. Let’s network!