Totally agree with you and as the Mum of ‘an only’ I was made to believe I was damaging my son and it would have been better if I hadn’t had any children. He’s a brilliant human being who doesn’t need a sibling to feel like a proper person and we all love our weird little family. Thank you for being so honest!
Thank you so much for sharing such an honest piece on a topic that I believe needs to be discussed more by leaders and role models like yourself 😊 I knew from a reasonably young age that I didn’t want have children, that whatever ‘it’ is that people who have children have, I just don’t have. I waited for ‘it’ to appear, because so many people told me that I’d change my mind when I got older, and so often I thought there was something wrong with me and I wished I just had ‘it’. I’m now 36 and much more at peace with my choices but still have occasional worries that it will be too late and I’ll come to regret my decision - mainly because society has told me that my decision is wrong - and I still regularly have to justify my lifestyle choice to people, exactly as you have described, which is astonishing really. Including to men, which somehow annoys me more, haha! Most of my friends now have children and I love them all to bits! So I consider myself to be the fun aunty and I have the best of both worlds. It just was not a decision that was right for me. I’m sure your daughter would say that siblings are overrated! Thank you for sharing your story 🌻
I am an only child and have had people question both myself and my mother (never my father!) for my entire life.
When I was around 12- 16 I would frequently have people asking me if my parents had struggled to have more kids. Funnily enough, my parents hadn't sat their teen child down and discussed their infertility woes with her. But also, they didn't have any! They really were just happy with me. I tried not to take offence to the fact that people were so confused by that; hopefully a reflection on society rather than my personality!
I've never had a sibling so maybe I don't know what I'm missing, but I do know I've had secure relationships my entire life and have grown-up always knowing I was loved and wanted by two supportive parents.
I'm 32 now and I don't currently know if children are in my future or not, but I would happily only have one child as I think I had an amazing childhood. I have grown up with two parents who have morphed into close friends. When I look at my friends with siblings I find they easily fall into the parents/children category when they are together. I think this was much easier to break as I became an adult as I wasn't lumped into the "child" category as a youngster, I was always treated as my own entity.
I had to give up on the much wanted second child when I had an ectopic pregnancy and the subsequent emergency surgery meant that was that (unless I was prepared to take a very significant risk). I was very upset yet fully accepted that was the end - I didn't want to try something so dangerous that I could die, having come close enough with the ectopic. But dear God the comments. From people who didn't know my medical history: a cheery "one was enough, then!" or "why don't you have another one?!" And from those that did: "surely there must be something they could do? What if <insert massively complex and risky scenario>?"
It taught me to never, ever, ask questions that even stray into this area with anyone else. And do you know what - my kid is an adult, he's just great, and I see crappy behaviour of the kind attributed to "onlies" all the time from people from all sorts of family backgrounds.
For those reading who are still being asked the questions, eventually they do stop. People lose interest, or assume you're too old now, and your mates stop having babies. I hope when our lot have kids, people are a bit more thoughtful of the choices they make or the outcomes that fall on them. Thanks for raising the subject and talking about your experience.
As a mum of two men now, I was continually asked when the boys were younger when we were going to have a girl or give the boys a sister. Constantly being told it’s a shame I didn’t have a daughter, like I had control over the sex of the amazing humans we had created. I now get told oh hopefully you’ll get a Grand daughter, what a shame you don’t have a girl in your Family to spoil. Due to miscarriages an ectopic pregnancy and an early hysterectomy my chances to add to our Family of boys never eventuated. I am a proud Mum of two beautiful men, who have shown me so much love and laughter in my life that I wouldn’t have it any other way. How do brothers fight in the hallway while getting ready for school then hang out after school like nothing happened?? A mystery still to this day. People need to mind their own business and worry about their own lives before commenting on such a personal issue as children. Our Family structure and how created it is unique to every single one of us. Great story Jo thanks for always sharing with humour and honesty 💕
I am, for a multitude of reasons, also stopping at one child. He’s 4 and he’s amazing. I yell I am grateful to myself at least 100 times a day (Brene Brown-style to stop the anxiety of feeling I’m too lucky).
But many people have asked me why and what and what if over the years when it comes to our decision to have just one child. And I’ve had a lot of people remind me I’ll need to be proactive with his social life and make sure he’s not lonely etc. Which as a deaf introvert has been one heck of a journey so far.
Although the person who has asked us the most about our decision to just have one child is my son. Every wish he has made for the last year is for a sibling - and sometimes a cat. He’s wished on his birthday cake, other people’s birthday cakes, full moons, airplanes he thinks are shooting stars.. and everything in between. It broke my heart to begin with but I hope he’ll come to like being an only one. And appreciate that he gets to choose who he grows up being close to.
I love this post. Thank you so much for sharing. I had my only child a daughter via IVF (fertility issues) 11 years ago. And despite all the shit I went through and having the worst pregnancy on earth to have this one beautiful girl, I was constantly asked when the next one was coming. IVF destroyed me mentally and physically plus a really crappy pregnancy I seriously couldn’t think of anything worse than doing it all again. But because there were extra fertilised eggs it was expected I would go again. I still get comments but nobody truly knows my story so they can go do one!! It baffles me that even in 2024 people think they have a right to comment on your body. It drives me insane. Thank you again Jo x
Great piece. It’s amazing what other people think (and dare to say!) about another’s personal choice, which they don’t realise is often the best, or in some cases, only option. Your daughter is lucky to have such a wise, thoughtful and loving mum 🤍
This is such a refreshing article to read. I have an 18 month old and I catch myself thinking regularly about how I should have another one and try and persuade myself into it "because i should", but I've realised I really really don't want one. I come up with excuses to people as to why that's my decision, which in itself is mad that I feel like i have to justify it at all. The real truth I don't say is that I just don't want another one, that I have a feeling so deeply in my gut that another one would ruin my lovely family and that I don't think I have the capacity to love another child. Also, I look at friends with more than 1 child and it just looks hard and unrewarding and having the second child has meant they totally surrendered their own identity entirely to being a mother.
As an aside, I'm an only child myself and I am happy with that. I don't feel alone, don't worry about caring for parents alone and I don't feel like I'm selfish or weird or spoilt for being an only child. My own sister in law was horrified when we told her we only wanted 1 and that our daughter would end up spoilt and it would be so sad for her not to have a sibling. As far as I can work out there is a stereotype for every kind of child (eldest/middle/youngest/only) everyone just decides the 'only' option is the worst of the lot.
Even though I adore my second child, I am jealous of the mums of one. Their kids are better behaved, have less tantrums, do more fun stuff with them as well as on their own and with other grown ups; no constant crowd control. I’m fed up being broke, living in a messy and dirty house, dealing constantly with their feelings of not being treated fairly for the silliest things, never having enough quality time (quality anything), the list goes on…
Wow this speaks to my SOUL. We have an amazing, funny, kind four year old daughter and I love our unit of three. I always thought I’d have two children but as she grew up I have just never felt the aching want for another baby as I felt before conceiving my first. I love my job, and having one means the balance is easier to manage. I have had comments like people expect I’ll be having another soon, and it’s annoying but I think I would have got more judgement five years ago. Having one child is really common now. Thanks so much for speaking about this Jo xxx
Oh This is SUCH A Wonderfully eloquent encapsulation of All that it means, as a Woman, to - essentially- Pro-create. My Mum (an extremely sprightly 83) is the eldest of 4; I too am the eldest of 4, and yet ‘We’ are the generation, who was slightly sold the lie about ‘Having It All’. I started thinking about having a baby at 35, but didn’t meet my husband tilI was just 41….Two miscarriages and 9 rounds of IVF later, we are Lucky (and some might day Mad and Skint) enough to have a 7yr old boy and 4 yr old girl. The cost financially and emotionally was something I had absolutely no clie about until we were in it, and - now 53, I’m convinced I had a combination of post-natal depression and per-menopause; but I’m now on HRT, do a bit of exercise, psychotherapy and am on a low-dose antidepressant, which works for me ! I am So grateful to have A. met my husband and B. thanks to Donor Egg IVF, been able to become a mother, ‘just about’ still in my 40’s, but I think that society still has a way to go, to stop judging women, whichever way their lives turn out, with regard to fertility. I can remember even having to correct my dear old (retired Urologist) Dad, who referred to our, “infertility” , rather than calling it “Fertility Treatment” (!) In some ways, I would actually like to go back to my old school (A Girls’ School) and do a Talk on Fertility, because I think there’s a lot they are likely to not be aware of, which could be very important in helping them make decisions later in Their lives…
To those unwelcome people who ask/demand to know about your lack of child number 2, you must break down in tears and say that we have been on IVF for years/ I have just has miscarriage number 3/ I had dreadful post natal depression and don't trust myself to have any more or some other traumatic reason to make them feel as squirmy as possible that they will never ask some other poor innocent person again! I had 1 years of post natal depression after the first baby, so I waited 5 years for number 2, then has 3 years of post natal depression. Though now I adore them both, for many years there were times that I wished that we stayed with just 1. My daughter-in-law has given us one precious grandson who I absolutely adore and last night told us that she could see herself trying for number 2 soon, and I was very excited, but I had made sure to never mention or press her for any more. She has had a hard time as a new mother and I have tried to give her as much support and care as possible living so far away. I even paid for a weekly cleaning lady to take that burden away. Thankfully, they now live in our town and I can be more hands on. But as much as I hoped that they think about trying for another, it isn't my decision to be involved in and I would never presume to be involved in that other than to give support, love and respect.
I am way older than you and happen to have four children, but I’m gobsmacked that anyone would be so rude as to comment on your choice to have one child. It’s absolutely no one else’s business. But I’m not sure why I’m surprised. My four all happen to be boys and all I got throughout my fourth pregnancy was ‘Are you trying for a girl?’ Made me want to scream!
Such a great read, people can be awful with their unsolicited comments. Having navigated IVF I know how these can sting.. as an only child myself can honestly say that life was flipping great, and if anything the bond with both my parents was extra special and has remained so till this day. It’s this that matters as opposed to trying to fulfil what society deems to be the ‘right’ way. I commend you for following what was right for your family x
Totally agree with you and as the Mum of ‘an only’ I was made to believe I was damaging my son and it would have been better if I hadn’t had any children. He’s a brilliant human being who doesn’t need a sibling to feel like a proper person and we all love our weird little family. Thank you for being so honest!
Thank you so much for sharing such an honest piece on a topic that I believe needs to be discussed more by leaders and role models like yourself 😊 I knew from a reasonably young age that I didn’t want have children, that whatever ‘it’ is that people who have children have, I just don’t have. I waited for ‘it’ to appear, because so many people told me that I’d change my mind when I got older, and so often I thought there was something wrong with me and I wished I just had ‘it’. I’m now 36 and much more at peace with my choices but still have occasional worries that it will be too late and I’ll come to regret my decision - mainly because society has told me that my decision is wrong - and I still regularly have to justify my lifestyle choice to people, exactly as you have described, which is astonishing really. Including to men, which somehow annoys me more, haha! Most of my friends now have children and I love them all to bits! So I consider myself to be the fun aunty and I have the best of both worlds. It just was not a decision that was right for me. I’m sure your daughter would say that siblings are overrated! Thank you for sharing your story 🌻
I am an only child and have had people question both myself and my mother (never my father!) for my entire life.
When I was around 12- 16 I would frequently have people asking me if my parents had struggled to have more kids. Funnily enough, my parents hadn't sat their teen child down and discussed their infertility woes with her. But also, they didn't have any! They really were just happy with me. I tried not to take offence to the fact that people were so confused by that; hopefully a reflection on society rather than my personality!
I've never had a sibling so maybe I don't know what I'm missing, but I do know I've had secure relationships my entire life and have grown-up always knowing I was loved and wanted by two supportive parents.
I'm 32 now and I don't currently know if children are in my future or not, but I would happily only have one child as I think I had an amazing childhood. I have grown up with two parents who have morphed into close friends. When I look at my friends with siblings I find they easily fall into the parents/children category when they are together. I think this was much easier to break as I became an adult as I wasn't lumped into the "child" category as a youngster, I was always treated as my own entity.
Weirdos forever! x
I had to give up on the much wanted second child when I had an ectopic pregnancy and the subsequent emergency surgery meant that was that (unless I was prepared to take a very significant risk). I was very upset yet fully accepted that was the end - I didn't want to try something so dangerous that I could die, having come close enough with the ectopic. But dear God the comments. From people who didn't know my medical history: a cheery "one was enough, then!" or "why don't you have another one?!" And from those that did: "surely there must be something they could do? What if <insert massively complex and risky scenario>?"
It taught me to never, ever, ask questions that even stray into this area with anyone else. And do you know what - my kid is an adult, he's just great, and I see crappy behaviour of the kind attributed to "onlies" all the time from people from all sorts of family backgrounds.
For those reading who are still being asked the questions, eventually they do stop. People lose interest, or assume you're too old now, and your mates stop having babies. I hope when our lot have kids, people are a bit more thoughtful of the choices they make or the outcomes that fall on them. Thanks for raising the subject and talking about your experience.
As a mum of two men now, I was continually asked when the boys were younger when we were going to have a girl or give the boys a sister. Constantly being told it’s a shame I didn’t have a daughter, like I had control over the sex of the amazing humans we had created. I now get told oh hopefully you’ll get a Grand daughter, what a shame you don’t have a girl in your Family to spoil. Due to miscarriages an ectopic pregnancy and an early hysterectomy my chances to add to our Family of boys never eventuated. I am a proud Mum of two beautiful men, who have shown me so much love and laughter in my life that I wouldn’t have it any other way. How do brothers fight in the hallway while getting ready for school then hang out after school like nothing happened?? A mystery still to this day. People need to mind their own business and worry about their own lives before commenting on such a personal issue as children. Our Family structure and how created it is unique to every single one of us. Great story Jo thanks for always sharing with humour and honesty 💕
I am, for a multitude of reasons, also stopping at one child. He’s 4 and he’s amazing. I yell I am grateful to myself at least 100 times a day (Brene Brown-style to stop the anxiety of feeling I’m too lucky).
But many people have asked me why and what and what if over the years when it comes to our decision to have just one child. And I’ve had a lot of people remind me I’ll need to be proactive with his social life and make sure he’s not lonely etc. Which as a deaf introvert has been one heck of a journey so far.
Although the person who has asked us the most about our decision to just have one child is my son. Every wish he has made for the last year is for a sibling - and sometimes a cat. He’s wished on his birthday cake, other people’s birthday cakes, full moons, airplanes he thinks are shooting stars.. and everything in between. It broke my heart to begin with but I hope he’ll come to like being an only one. And appreciate that he gets to choose who he grows up being close to.
I love this post. Thank you so much for sharing. I had my only child a daughter via IVF (fertility issues) 11 years ago. And despite all the shit I went through and having the worst pregnancy on earth to have this one beautiful girl, I was constantly asked when the next one was coming. IVF destroyed me mentally and physically plus a really crappy pregnancy I seriously couldn’t think of anything worse than doing it all again. But because there were extra fertilised eggs it was expected I would go again. I still get comments but nobody truly knows my story so they can go do one!! It baffles me that even in 2024 people think they have a right to comment on your body. It drives me insane. Thank you again Jo x
Great piece. It’s amazing what other people think (and dare to say!) about another’s personal choice, which they don’t realise is often the best, or in some cases, only option. Your daughter is lucky to have such a wise, thoughtful and loving mum 🤍
This is such a refreshing article to read. I have an 18 month old and I catch myself thinking regularly about how I should have another one and try and persuade myself into it "because i should", but I've realised I really really don't want one. I come up with excuses to people as to why that's my decision, which in itself is mad that I feel like i have to justify it at all. The real truth I don't say is that I just don't want another one, that I have a feeling so deeply in my gut that another one would ruin my lovely family and that I don't think I have the capacity to love another child. Also, I look at friends with more than 1 child and it just looks hard and unrewarding and having the second child has meant they totally surrendered their own identity entirely to being a mother.
As an aside, I'm an only child myself and I am happy with that. I don't feel alone, don't worry about caring for parents alone and I don't feel like I'm selfish or weird or spoilt for being an only child. My own sister in law was horrified when we told her we only wanted 1 and that our daughter would end up spoilt and it would be so sad for her not to have a sibling. As far as I can work out there is a stereotype for every kind of child (eldest/middle/youngest/only) everyone just decides the 'only' option is the worst of the lot.
Even though I adore my second child, I am jealous of the mums of one. Their kids are better behaved, have less tantrums, do more fun stuff with them as well as on their own and with other grown ups; no constant crowd control. I’m fed up being broke, living in a messy and dirty house, dealing constantly with their feelings of not being treated fairly for the silliest things, never having enough quality time (quality anything), the list goes on…
Wow this speaks to my SOUL. We have an amazing, funny, kind four year old daughter and I love our unit of three. I always thought I’d have two children but as she grew up I have just never felt the aching want for another baby as I felt before conceiving my first. I love my job, and having one means the balance is easier to manage. I have had comments like people expect I’ll be having another soon, and it’s annoying but I think I would have got more judgement five years ago. Having one child is really common now. Thanks so much for speaking about this Jo xxx
Oh This is SUCH A Wonderfully eloquent encapsulation of All that it means, as a Woman, to - essentially- Pro-create. My Mum (an extremely sprightly 83) is the eldest of 4; I too am the eldest of 4, and yet ‘We’ are the generation, who was slightly sold the lie about ‘Having It All’. I started thinking about having a baby at 35, but didn’t meet my husband tilI was just 41….Two miscarriages and 9 rounds of IVF later, we are Lucky (and some might day Mad and Skint) enough to have a 7yr old boy and 4 yr old girl. The cost financially and emotionally was something I had absolutely no clie about until we were in it, and - now 53, I’m convinced I had a combination of post-natal depression and per-menopause; but I’m now on HRT, do a bit of exercise, psychotherapy and am on a low-dose antidepressant, which works for me ! I am So grateful to have A. met my husband and B. thanks to Donor Egg IVF, been able to become a mother, ‘just about’ still in my 40’s, but I think that society still has a way to go, to stop judging women, whichever way their lives turn out, with regard to fertility. I can remember even having to correct my dear old (retired Urologist) Dad, who referred to our, “infertility” , rather than calling it “Fertility Treatment” (!) In some ways, I would actually like to go back to my old school (A Girls’ School) and do a Talk on Fertility, because I think there’s a lot they are likely to not be aware of, which could be very important in helping them make decisions later in Their lives…
To those unwelcome people who ask/demand to know about your lack of child number 2, you must break down in tears and say that we have been on IVF for years/ I have just has miscarriage number 3/ I had dreadful post natal depression and don't trust myself to have any more or some other traumatic reason to make them feel as squirmy as possible that they will never ask some other poor innocent person again! I had 1 years of post natal depression after the first baby, so I waited 5 years for number 2, then has 3 years of post natal depression. Though now I adore them both, for many years there were times that I wished that we stayed with just 1. My daughter-in-law has given us one precious grandson who I absolutely adore and last night told us that she could see herself trying for number 2 soon, and I was very excited, but I had made sure to never mention or press her for any more. She has had a hard time as a new mother and I have tried to give her as much support and care as possible living so far away. I even paid for a weekly cleaning lady to take that burden away. Thankfully, they now live in our town and I can be more hands on. But as much as I hoped that they think about trying for another, it isn't my decision to be involved in and I would never presume to be involved in that other than to give support, love and respect.
Thank you for posting this!
I am way older than you and happen to have four children, but I’m gobsmacked that anyone would be so rude as to comment on your choice to have one child. It’s absolutely no one else’s business. But I’m not sure why I’m surprised. My four all happen to be boys and all I got throughout my fourth pregnancy was ‘Are you trying for a girl?’ Made me want to scream!
Such a great read, people can be awful with their unsolicited comments. Having navigated IVF I know how these can sting.. as an only child myself can honestly say that life was flipping great, and if anything the bond with both my parents was extra special and has remained so till this day. It’s this that matters as opposed to trying to fulfil what society deems to be the ‘right’ way. I commend you for following what was right for your family x