Discover more from My Goodness! From Jo Elvin
I don’t think I have imposter syndrome. I don’t have that ‘I’m going to get found out any moment’ feeling that I hear people - women - describe. I’ve worked pretty hard to get where I am today and for years, so I’m not at all worried about getting ‘found out’. Highs, lows, mistakes and successes, I’ve walked the walk long enough to believe in the meaning of some of the professional titles now attached to my name.
And in fact there’s a lot in this very thought-provoking piece to make me question why we, particularly women, lean into the ‘imposter syndrome’ tag so readily.
https://hbr.org/2021/02/stop-telling-women-they-have-imposter-syndrome
But self doubt? Moments of low confidence and feeling like I won’t make a success of the task at hand? Oh hell yes. I have those in most hours of most days. The mantra that I find the most effective in dealing with it is one that some might find unpalatable. Especially when it’s from a woman. But honestly, the pep talk I give myself if I’m ever doubting my ability to do something goes along the lines of:
‘Elvin (yes I’m afraid my stern voice to myself always does address me by my surname), if you don’t do it, some other idiot will do it and you’ll realise you were just as competent an idiot as that idiot.’
Now, one caveat: There are indeed super humans who walk amongst us whose skill levels make you wonder if they are indeed actually extra terrestrials. Whitney Houston’s singing, for instance, or this man’s dancing: seriously, how is this human?
But most people are plain old Good At Some Things. And good is good. I think you, me and most people I know probably land squarely in this category. Which also means - crucially - that we are no worse at things than most others.
Too often we let our own brains tell us that everyone else is better at things. So it’s worth looking around at your colleagues, your peers and really examining them. Are they worlds better than you at anything they do? Probably not. Don’t say it out loud, no one wants to hear that shit. But have a little secret, silent chuckle to yourself as you remember: you’re just as good as them at stuff.
The following story is one that proved to be a turning point for me in how I speak to myself during these confidence wobbles. And I was 44 at the time so, you know, moments of growth can take a while…
Completely out of the blue, I got a call from a guy called Simon Browning, who was a producer working for Radio 4. He wanted to put together a series of reports on London Fashion Week and wondered if I would be interested in helping him produce and present them.
Besides the odd five minute interview here or there, (where I’m the one being asked the questions), I had no experience whatsoever of fronting radio programmes. It was a classic moment of feeling like I had no business in this world. As Simon was chatting through on the phone what he wanted - help with access to big name designers, access to watch the shows and have me provide commentary on what’s going on, who’s there, the general atmosphere - here’s the running commentary that was taking place, live, in my head:
‘You don’t know how to do radio shows. BBC 4 is really posh and grown up, you are neither of those things. You work at Glamour which isn’t really seen in the fashion world as anything like a ‘fashion authority’, you’ll look stupid giving your opinions on fashion and besides probably most big fashion houses will just tell you to go away when you ask them for interviews, so then this radio guy will think, bloody hell why did I phone this useless woman.
But there was also another voice in my head at the same time arguing back:
‘FFS Elvin: if you don’t say yes, he’s going to phone the editor of some other magazine and they’ll have the confidence to say yes, even though they’re just as inexperienced at this as you are. And they’ll probably be good, but odds are they won’t be spectacularly better than you’d have been at it, and then you’ll listen to it and think, you should have done that.’
God I can be so bossy. But seriously, Elvin was being ridiculous. I actually remember having a sort of out of body experience, where I marvelled at this voice I heard come out of me that said, ‘Sounds great, I’d love to!’, even while I was simultaneously already feeling a bit sick with nerves and stress about the whole thing.
I did admit to Simon that I hadn’t done anything like this before so ‘might need a bit of hand-holding’. And then he immediately said he had some knowledge gaps in who best to speak to, contacts etc. Which made me instantly exhale: he sounded so cool and calm and in control and yet already he was making me at ease and reminding me that everyone feels like they’re just making it up as they go along. Not just me. We were going to teach each other how to be Good At Some Things.
Those two weeks we worked together were incredibly fun. My contacts, coupled with being able to say ‘I’m doing a story for Radio 4’ (god that was so fancy and great to be able to say, even for a short time) opened more doors than I was ever expecting in the beginning. Simon was so encouraging and friendly, and gave me a few gentle notes along the way that helped me get better at being a voice on the radio (mostly shut up and let the interviewee speak, for crying out loud). I certainly wasn’t flawless. Nerves got the better of me when speaking to Christopher Bailey and I got his title wrong.
But there were surreal moments too, like being backstage at a particularly raucous Henry Holland show and suddenly being virtually mashed right up against Harry Styles. Simon looked at me with saucer eyes, pointed at the mic I’d forgotten I was holding and so I just thrust it in Harry’s one direction and started asking questions about fashion. It’s safe to say that neither of us woke up that day expecting we’d be ‘in conversation’ on Radio 4 by the end of it.
Did I set the world on fire with my radio talents? Did the powers that be at Radio 4 wonder where I’d been all their lives and give me a prime time gig? Nah. But you know what? I wasn’t embarrassing either. No one died. And amidst the stress and nerves of all, I had fun. I got to do things at the fashion shows that I’d never done before. I got to flex some different muscles and discover that I can do something I wasn’t quite sure about. In fact, the producers liked our London work so much they then asked us to do more at Paris Fashion Week. Which gifted me the experience of interviewing Karl Lagerfeld straight after an incredible Chanel show, while Rihanna, Cara Delevigne and Joan Smalls kept pushing each other around in a shopping trolley right next to me.
One of my enduring role models in this area is the magnificent Tina Fey, who swears by the mantra ‘Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.’ I’ve adopted this and leaned on it many many times, ever since I read it in her truly inspiring book, Bossypants and it’s exactly what I did when I became a fake radio presenter for a couple of weeks.
It’s what guys have been doing for centuries and no one much minds. For some reason, women are more inclined to believe they should wait until they’ve learned absolutely everything and know how to do it all brilliantly, perfectly, before they should have the gall to work at something, to try, to exist.
Men tend to be more like this guy who confidently breeze into an airport pretending to be a pilot or get a job as a fake doctor in a hospital. So I think pretending you’re the sort of person who can front a radio show while you’re also muddling through and figuring out if you can do it, is totally acceptable. And now I get to put that on my CV or LinkedIn or wherever it is the kids are bragging about that stuff these days.
How do you handle that annoying voice telling you you’re too crap to do something?
Tell me.
This is interesting I’ve been an executive coach for many years and I genuinely believe that our internal dialog is the best barometer of our happiness in life. Many of us ( me included at times although I’m far better than I used to be) speak to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to other people in our lives. There are loads of books out there on this but I’ve found that many are unhelpful. They suggest we shut our inner critic down or counter the arguments. But in my experience by far the most beneficial response is to find some quiet time to have a ‘chat’ with that voice and really listen. We often shout and become stronger in our language when we don’t feel heard so by assuming this voice comes from a part of us that wants to help and support us - and in my experience it always does - we can get underneath what it really wants us to hear. This can take some gentle questioning. So if I’m hearing, ‘There’s no way you can do that! Look what happened when you attempted x you’ll make a fool of yourself’ I might get to ‘I’m worried you won’t have time to prepare properly and will be very stressed by it’ which is actually really useful as I can then make sure that I decide with that in mind - making sure to factor in time to prepare or deciding on this occasion I have too much going on to do it without unpleasant stress levels.
I’ve heard it suggested that these inner voices can almost be like a kind of inner board or directors! Head of finance coming in with, ‘No you can’t afford those shoes!’ And head of IT with, ‘There’s no way you’ll figure out how to do that unassisted!’ But when we remember they all actually come from a well intentioned place within us and despite the critical tone do actually want to help we can really make progress. Sometimes the voice comes from quite a young or scared part of ourselves and the conversation is about reassuring that part and helping it to trust that although this will be out of our comfort zone that part won’t be exposed and will be supported.
This approach makes a massive difference to our inner levels of peace and happiness.
Love this and do much the same thing - say yes and then figure it out. I find if my back is against the wall and there doesn't appear to be option B then I always find a way to make it work. My business started in 2005 when I thought I couldn't do a worse job of managing my first rental than the lash up the number 1 agent in our area aka idiot had made of it.
I gave it a go when I didn't have a clue what I was doing, it was scary and a massive learning curve but all these years and properties later I might just have got the hang of it!