How grown-ups can make new friends
Or how my 'tragic' obsessions have changed my life for the better
I’d say this has been one of the most transformative years of my life when it comes to my friendships. It’s no coincidence that 12 months ago, something changed within me and so I decided to change a lot about my life.
But probably the biggest influence on my friendship circles this year has been my newly developed fan-girling for K Pop - or rather, more specifically I became an unapologetic fan of BTS.
Falling down this rabbit hole is the biggest plot twist in my life to date. I was aware of K Pop because of my daughter, who’d been seriously into it since 2019. It was background noise to me. Something for kids. Nothing to do with me.
But one thing my daughter has inherited from me is this: There is no moderate ground when it comes to our likes or dislikes. Something is either not worth even half a second of our time, or The Greatest Concept To Ever Exist, To Which We Will Dedicate All Possible Brainspace and Time and Money. No Really, Fucking Everything.
My hope for my daughter, 17, is that her passions will unveil to her ways in which they can earn her a living. This is what happened to me as I left my teens, entered adulthood and thankfully figured out that one of my most consuming obsessions could be a career: magazines.
And as I write this, right now, I’m having a real-time realisation.
It was in November last year that the decision to leave my magazine job hit me like a sledgehammer. Once I seriously started wondering about ‘a life beyond’, I simply could not un-wonder. I didn't know what I was going to do yet. But I realised I would have to resign and jump before I could figure that out.
A big part of this decision was because the process of producing a magazine wasn’t giving me the same, passionate, even addictive joy that it had been giving me for decades.
Guess when I fell down the K pop hole? November 2021. It’s as if there’s a little gremlin inside of my head with an unquenchable thirst for dopamine. When magazines were no longer providing this, it scuttled off into the dark backwoods of my brain searching for something to latch onto and somehow, here’s where it landed.
It’s like I have this guy running around up there:
I’m not angry about it. I get it. You can read more about this love of mine in a piece I was asked to write here. Catchy songs, glossy music videos, super cool fashion, absolutely incredible dancing and very pretty men.
Brain candy is really nice, but the greatest gift that my newfound fandom has given me? Friendships.
I saw this quote on Twitter recently and sent it to my little WhatsApp group of my BTS friends.
The truth of it. Yes, it starts out comparing notes about what you love about it all, much like I used to see my little girl breaking the ice with other little girls over a mutual love of loom bands. Remember them? So the initial chats are very much like that, discussing who’s your favourite and how you, a grown-arse woman, found yourself in a place where you have a BTS song as your ringtone (Idol, just FYI).
But, for me it very quickly led to deeper friendships. I’ve gravitated to a small gang of women - Sarah, Stacey and Steph - who I love for being funny and smart and supportive. We speak every day about everything in our lives. We are all very different and do very different things but they have each, in their own way, been a rock to me, given me brilliant advice, helped me in varying ways in my work, and connected me to other great people.
I hope they love knowing me too. I really don’t know what sort of a friend others find me. Hopefully… nice? That's probably a column for another time.
But it’s not the only fandom that’s come through for me in recent times.
My friend, Elizabeth Day and I were only talking about this last week. For years we knew each other through work. We’d see each other at work things and parties and always enjoy a chat. Then she had a weekly column at You magazine when I was the editor and so we talked a lot more and got to know each other a bit more. But we agree that the friendship moved up a notch when we each got our Peloton bikes.
No one wanted to talk about it as much as we both did. We thought the instructors were incredible and we became invested in their individual training styles and personalities. (My daughter once said to me, ‘God Mum, you’re more into Peloton than the owners of Peloton.’) But again, that thing to bond around has built a foundation and I’m so grateful. Because what might have started as a bit of a joke has given me a girl who was the first person I wanted to speak to when an upsetting work thing happened a couple of weeks ago. And the very patient and generous pep talk she gave me about it was so kind it made me cry. We really went full Stan when we managed to become great friends with our favourite Peloton instructor, Leanne Hainsby.
It should be noted however, that they are both appalled by my BTS obsession.I don’t have a receptive audience there.
As I said, it’s been the most eventful year for my friendships that I can remember. I’ve forged new bonds. I’ve deepened others. And I’ve lost some too, which is a shame. There’s one close friend who I think has just gotten a bit bored with me. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know: being boring to people is one of my deepest fears/insecurities. (And no, I haven’t been wanging on to her about the Koreans so that’s not why.) There’s one or two for whom I suspect I’ve lost my appeal now that I’m no longer the useful editor of a glossy magazine. I expected some of that of course, but that doesn’t stop it bruising, at least just a little bit. It’s also why it’s important to always be open to new people in your life because friendships can wax and wane throughout our lives.
But if this column has a message today, it’s to embrace what you’re interested in, with no embarrassment. Because in my experience it opens up galaxies of possibilities. You’ll gain amazing friends and probably inject whole new spheres of influence into your life that you probably can’t even imagine right now.
Of course, Elizabeth and Leanne are not my only friends to think the whole BTS thing is tragic. At my age, especially. But when I saw a video from the world cup of a crowd of men getting excited when a footballer on the pitch waved in their direction, I couldn’t help but agree with the observation that they were basically acting the same as teenage girls might have acted at a One Direction concert, but football is a ‘valid’ (male) interest. So it’s not embarrassing and definitely more than OK to be a visible fan-boy about it.
I’m not even slightly interested in football. To me, when I see people crying in the pub when the ones in one colour of shirts beats the other coloured shirts, I think it seems like a lot of self-inflicted heartbreak and stress. But having had people now react by mocking me for saying I love a Korean pop band, I realise that if something’s bringing joy to your little Gollum living in your brain, and it’s not hurting anyone else, then I respect it.
So let’s try and do that for everyone’s passions? Even if we don’t get them or we actively think they’re a bit crap? One person’s waste of time and energy could well be another’s saviour, the difference between wonderful relationships and loneliness. I really believe that.
And I cannot resist leaving you with this. Because it’s just delightful.
This column always speaks to the thing that’s bothering me most that week. I moved away from London a few years ago and have been so busy with my ‘from home’ desk job and motherhood, I’ve not made any friends. Not one. Need to find that local fandom for crappy Christmas movies. Thanks as ever for your words
I get this to my core. I'm a huge dopamine chaser (recently diagnosed with ADHD at 49) and i've never sustained hobbies as they tend to morph into my work -- and I love that, because work always feels like play -- but last year I stumbled upon the Blythe doll world and life hasn't been the same since. Never liked dolls as a kid, don't have kids of my own, and yet somehow I'm now the proud owner of 10 customised Blythe dolls, several beautiful BJDs (ball-jointed dolls) and more doll clothes than I know what to do with! I've made some really lovely friends through this hobby and it's just really really fun and creative and silly and my inner child is happy. So while i don't get the the BTS thing, I totally get it :-)