Once, whilst having a drink with my dad, the chat turned to our experiences of managing people. He asked: ‘Can everyone who works for you do your job better than you?’
‘Oh obviously!’ I said, laughing.
‘Ha. Me too.’
If you’ve ever been in charge, I imagine you’ll relate. The hardest part of any job I’ve ever had has not been the deadlines, or the generating of ideas and plans, or the writing, or even handling the pressures coming down from on high. It’s managing people. Because the second you’re a manager, no matter how good you are at your job, no matter how decent a person you like to think you are, it’s just a fact that you’re about to become someone who some people don’t like.
Maybe you’re OK with that. I’ve had my share of bosses who’ve said, ‘I didn’t come here to make friends. I’ve got enough friends.’ And I’ve probably thought that from time to time too. But I don’t actively want to be disliked. By anyone. Maybe it’s because I’m also a woman and thus been trained, since birth, to make ingratiating myself to everyone I come across my default setting.
When you’re a woman who wants to be liked, who wants everyone to be happy, but now you’re also in charge of an office full of people? Well.. you’re going to walk past the pub on a Friday night and see they all went there without you.
Everyone I know who becomes a manager for the first time, has been through the process that I went through. The first step down that path is this: Thinking that you will absolutely be the first person, in the history of bosses, who’s going to nail this. As you have this thought, a rousing little theme tune may start playing in your head - the theme from Rocky, perhaps, or maybe Miley’s The Climb. You’ll gaze skyward, smile quietly and confidently to yourself as you imagine the leader you are about to become. Because having witnessed all the dreadful mistakes of those who have mismanaged you, you’re now the expert in how not to be a boss. It’s simply a matter of listening. And communicating. And valuing everyone in a way that has never before been attempted, let alone achieved, by those who have managed you. You’re going to make sure everyone is heard before a decision is made. There will be whole textbooks written about your morale-building skills. And you’re just going to, you know… be really nice. To everyone. It’s not hard, right?
At this point, everyone who’s become a manager for the first time sounds like a pre-parent. You know ones: The ‘It’s just so sad when you see parents let their kids sit at the restaurant with an iPad, you’ll never see me doing that when I have kids’ types. Yeah, you just wait.
Because studies (conducted only by me, I admit) have shown that you usually get about eight weeks of presiding over this professional Xanadu before the record needle scratches to a violent halt on the stirring soundtrack accompanying your godlike management skills. So too, that beautiful ‘world’s best boss’ montage you’ve been playing in your head. All you can hear and see now are those teams of individuals, each bringing their stuffed duffel bag of idiosyncrasies for you to understand and try and blend harmoniously with everyone else’s. Including yours.
Suddenly, doing your job involves refereeing personality clashes. Being the boss means often delivering bad news. Saying no when people want you to say yes. In the creative industries, it’s often altering people’s work in ways that bruise their ego. Or having to choose between competing ideas and in doing so, having to choose who you’re going to annoy. It’s choosing one person from three who want a coveted assignment that involves a trip abroad. The fun really starts when you are handed edicts by your boss like, cut the budgets by 30%.
And so, it takes no time at all for the decisions you have to make to impact on individuals in completely different ways.
Then there are the things you do that you’d never have imagined would have everyone hating you. I’ve been screamed and cried at for changing a headline on a feature or altering the running order of a set of fashion pictures. I’ve had times when I’ve praised someone’s work, only to find out that someone else took that as a subtle swipe/dig at their unmentioned work. When it wasn’t the case at all.
No one wants to walk into an office and be actively disliked. But being the boss regularly makes it inevitable. I bet even Barack Obama has witnessed a cheeky, knowing eye-roll between colleagues in a meeting. And so it becomes time to learn to find ways to be respected. And hopefully the trickle-down effect of that is that some people like you an adequate amount.
Here’s a rundown of the things I try to remember to think and do, in my quest for that. And let me stress: I’m not saying I always execute these tips brilliantly, every time. I’m human and I make mistakes (which is something many people you work with will not care about or make allowances for, once you’re in charge). But these are the rules and standards I’ve always tried to set myself as a manager.
Don’t waste time trying to guess what people are saying about you. I learned a long time ago, that if I walk into the office kitchen and two people suddenly stop talking and look embarrassed, then, yep, it’s highly likely I, or a decision of mine, has been the topic of conversation. What are you gonna do? Smile and say hi is the best plan. And then, here’s what not to do: spend a second speculating about it. I refer you to something I said a few columns ago: thoughts are not facts. You’ll go insane wondering what people are saying and most of the time you’ll be getting worked up and you’ll still be wrong about it. It’s pointless. People are always going to have a moan here and there about the boss. If you want to be in charge, you have to just accept that and live with it.
So it’s not about what you can’t control - what people will say about you - but what you can. And that is, your own behaviour, with which it pays to be as consistent as possible. Figure out what your rules are. What are your beliefs about the way an office should run, how people should speak to each other, what is and isn’t permissible? And then stick with it for everyone. The times I’ve run into real problems is when a stronger personality in an office gets away with behaviour that others would not have. And they’ve gotten away with it because I was dreading/avoiding a moment of conflict - and being unpopular - to sort it out. People notice double standards instantly and it breeds massive ill will.
When you have to give shitty news or simply deliver a decision that you know will be unpopular, take the time to explain the thought process that’s gone into it. It won’t stop people reacting with disappointment or anger. But it will help in the long run if you’ve walked them through the rationale. Most people will understand that it’s just your job to be The Boss sometimes. If you’ve really walked them through a decision process, they might not like it but they’ll understand it.
If you’re the boss and you get invited to the pub, go, buy a round or two and then leave. No one really wants to hang out with the boss all night, let them relax without worrying about the boss seeing them hammered. Let them have some time to let off steam about everything pissing them off about work that they don’t want you to hear about. Equally you can do without having to hear it all too.
I have a similar rule about morning commutes. If I see someone I work with on my train, I leave them well alone. No one wants to hang out with their boss on the way to work before work has even started. Especially if you know that, really, the only thing you have in common to talk about is work.
Ask for feedback. It’s terrifying to ask for reviews of you from those you manage, but it could also provide you with easy insights into how to be a better, and maybe even more popular, boss. I remember in the early days of Glamour when our sales were just through the roof and we were exceeding every expectation set for us. I couldn’t quite believe it and I often said to the team, ‘It can’t go on like this, it’s mad. I keep waiting for it all to start going downhill.’ I think it was because I was so worried about that inevitable day, that I thought I was being helpful: To me, I thought I was basically saying, ‘Enjoy it while it lasts, but it won’t be a failure when it doesn’t.’ Someone pulled me aside to say, ‘Can’t we just enjoy this moment?’ And she was right. What the hell was I thinking? I’m grateful when team members who work for me can give me a polite, constructive course correction. And if you want to give your boss some critical feedback, do make sure you’ve really thought it through, can cite examples and deliver the news respectfully. Just blurting out that you think someone’s a crap boss isn’t going to do either of you any favours.
Don’t be afraid to show fallibility. If I’ve made a mistake, I own it. If I’ve said something in the heat of a moment that I shouldn’t have, I apologise. If I don’t know the solution to a problem, I ask for ideas. I don’t pretend that everything that comes out of my mouth is a genius thought just because I’m the one in charge. I’m sure I don’t always get the balance on that right, but I do try. You don’t want people thinking, ‘Oh dear god, she doesn’t have a clue, how incompetent’. But I do find that, if I’m willing to admit that I’m not perfect, it gives my colleagues the comfort to know that they too can pipe up with an idea that might not yet be fully formed, or admit they’ve made a mistake.
Don’t feel threatened by people who report to you who are better at some things than you. If someone I have hired comes up with a brilliant idea, or achieved something I have not, I let my takeaway be this: How clever of me to hire this person. This makes me look good. Never be tempted to steal a colleague’s idea or their moment for praise. It’s the best way to be thoroughly hated and what for? A win for the team is a win for the boss.
On that note, get used to not getting much praise from those who work for you. You’re rarely going to have anyone who works for you acknowledge your hard work, your overtime, your grace under pressure. Any of it. They’re all looking to you for that, not the other way round. It’s just the way it is. Take from it what I do: They simply assume you’re already established, hardy and confident enough not to need it.
In short, being in charge can feel lonely at times. And it’s a conversation I think people are afraid to have some times. Like I said, admitting you’re not a perfect boss, or that it hurts to hear about the party you weren’t invited to, feels like a weakness. But I like to think that people in charge are allowed to bring some of their ‘humanness’ to the table. So how about you? I’d love to have this conversation with you all. What are your tips for balancing power with popularity?
Tip # 11: Don't be brusque?
But seriously, well articulated and written. I wish you had done this and I had it to pass along to some of my former bosses. God, how I wish that.
I found out someone I’d been bending over backwards to help when they were off with stress was then slagging me off at the Xmas party - saying I hadn’t supported them enough. I was really upset but my mum said “you’ve made it!” And she was right - it was bound to happen eventually and now I can laugh, but I was upset at the time for sure!