When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I ask myself this
It relieves stress, motivates me and even makes me a better person
It’s been just over six months now since I started my new career. I work three days a week as the CEO for the charity Children With Cancer UK. Around that, I do quite a few other things. I host a TV show for Mail Plus called Palace Confidential and it’s wracking up the viewers now at a rate I’d never have imagined when we started doing it three years ago. I do some freelance writing for various newspapers. I write copy and consult for some brands, particularly, but not limited to, the fashion space. I do a bit of TV presenting for Lorraine Kelly’s show. I know I’ve been saying it for a while but I promise I am launching a podcast. Imminently. I recorded some final edits for it just last week in fact. It’s called Fame. It will be out this month and I’ll make sure you can access here on Substack.
I love the variety. And I love the way that each of my roles connects me to very different worlds that all end up being able to help each other from time to time. By most standards though, it’s a lot to juggle. And the charity role is one that carries so much responsibility. I’ve been brought in to bring growth and cultural change and, as with any organisation that’s decades old (Children with Cancer UK is about to turn 35), that’s not going to happen overnight. There are infinite moving parts that have to come together. I’m enjoying the challenge and I can see that, by the time my first anniversary there rolls around in April, I’ll be able to look back and see some achievements. But probably not in line with my ambitions for it.
My friend, Lance Gould, founder and CEO of Brooklyn Story Lab, was speaking at a conference the other day and said this, which really resonated for me: ‘I think actually moving the needle a little is more important than promising to move it a lot.’
This was a variation on something I often counsel myself with, on the days when I wake up and truly think, ‘How the hell am I going to get everything done today?’ or days when I’m feeling really down on myself and think, ‘You’re not good enough.’
(I’ve had a lot of therapy in my time, but I still often do battle with that mean girl voice coming from inside my own head: she’s a bit of a knob. )
For years now, there’s been a question I ask myself at these times that really helps. It’s this: ‘OK, what CAN you do today?’ And I find it to be a revelation on many fronts.
For starters, it forces me to pause, be still for a few moments and really think about what I can do. It might be just one thing that I can achieve today. And that’s OK. Because there’s kindness and generosity in the question, when I’m allowing myself to answer with maybe just one thing I can do.
But usually I can always identify at least one thing I can do to help me feel like I’m either a) on the road to whittling down the to-do list or b) completing a task that feels like a really great foundation for some bigger ambition I’m trying to realise.
I’ll try and explain it more practically, because I’m worried I sound like some Poundland-level life coach here. But really:
In terms of the charity job, I sometimes feel overwhelmed with the scale of what I’m trying to do in that role. It’s not the first time I’ve taken on a role leading a big organisation that is decades old with the view to making big, cultural changes. I had a similar brief when I landed at You magazine. Changing organisations that have been run a certain way for a long time is hard. It takes time. I always liken it to trying to get one of those grotesque super yachts to change its course using nothing but a tiny piece of string. So I will sometimes come home from a day at work and think, ‘I’m not sure I actually achieved anything today.’ You can spend your days in meetings, talking talking, talking and making plans and signing bits of paper and answering everyone’s questions and still get home and think, ‘Did I actually get anything done?’
Those moments depress me. So what I do then is think, ‘OK, what is just one thing I can do that will make me feel like I’m moving this super yacht in the direction I want?’
I resolve in that moment to do something like start acting on a fundraising idea I’ve had - it could be as simple as sending the one email that starts that conversation going. Inevitably though, this one thought about the one thing I can do leads me onto other ideas about several other ‘one’ things I can do and before you know it, I have a productive looking list of stuff. And then it feels great to start crossing those things off the list. It’s also great to see my little list of ‘one things’ I can do start to generate responses and reactions in others. Before you know it, that quiet little question I asked myself is doing wonders for my productivity and frankly, my self-esteem.
Another great thing about this question is its calming powers on my stress levels. I often have a lot to do during the course of a week. I know I won’t be alone in waking up sometimes and my first thought being, ‘How the hell am I going to manage to do everything on my to-do list?’
It’s a horrible feeling. There’s an old saying, ‘Question: How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.’
I think my ‘What can you do today?’ question might be my version of that. When my head is swimming and my stomach feels like it’s carrying a brick, I ask myself: ‘OK, stop. What CAN you do today?’ Again, it’s giving myself permission to pause, think for a second. If there’s something I genuinely can’t get to, I’m honest with myself and anyone else who needs to know. It’s an immediate bomb defuser. But more often than not, it gives me the rational space to realise I probably can get a lot more done than I was giving myself credit for. When you’re stressed and freaking out, everything feels impossible. Having the wherewithal to stop for a second and ask myself that question, brings me back to reality.
The question is so helpful when you’re feeling any kind of self doubt about a goal you have set yourself.
It forms the basis of the advice I give to high school and university students whenever I’m invited to speak to them. So many of them are, understandably, nervous about their futures and stressed about making the right or wrong decisions at their young age. And I see it in junior staff and interns in every office I’ve worked in. I see the impatience with wanting to prove themselves and move up the ladder. I see the pain and jealousy and comparathons that go on when someone else gets promoted. Guess what: I really believe that question is a useful one here too.
What can you do today?
Take a moment to stop worrying about where you think you should be in your career right now. Be present in the moment of what your job is right now, and what you can do in it, to the best of your ability. If you throw yourself into being excellent at whatever it is you’re doing right now, I guarantee it will pay off. You’ll get better at what you do. And your attitude of passion and care will be noticed - no matter what level you’re at, no matter if the job you’re doing is just not yet your dream job. If your employers do happen to be too dense to see it, you’ll have been quietly, passionately putting in the work that you can one day take to a more appreciative new employer. Sometimes at work, it’s really best to focus on that: What can you do, well, today?
Lastly, I really believe asking the question helps me be a better person. It’s become a bit of a mantra - to do, on any given day, whatever it is that I can. If I can help you, I will. And if I can’t, I will be honest about that. I love to be able to do what I can for people with no expectation of thanks or being owed a favour. I guess this is where I am a bit of a Poundland therapist because I do believe in doing good being its own reward and I love the feeling I get from that. Ask yourself, what can you do today, for someone else? It’s an amazing way in which that one question takes you out of your own head and worries, to focus on someone or something else.
I started believing in this application of the question about ten years ago. A friend of mine, Sue, had a close friend who was being treated for cancer. It was her birthday and she’d had some shitty news about needing more treatment. Sue knew I had some good contacts, through my media job, and asked me: ‘I know this is a massive long shot but do you know if she could ever get a happy birthday message from her favourite band?’ (I’m not going to name the band because I don’t want them getting inundated with requests thanks to me.) Yes it was a long shot. But I knew I could at least ask. The person I asked did what they could and asked. The band in question happened to be together that day, recording. They took five minutes out of their schedule to record her a beautiful message.
Sue said to me, ‘Instead of the day when she had the shittest news on her birthday, it became the day when she got this incredible boost on her birthday.’
And it happened because from Sue sending me that text onwards, everybody did just one thing that they could. Really, think about that: it’s freakin’ beautiful.
Try it tomorrow. Take a breath. Take a minute for yourself. ‘OK, what can I do today?’ Let me know how you get on with it.
Thank you. Love this. Also the elephant metaphor obvs.
Thank you for writing this Jo. I’m often feeling overwhelmed with everything I need to do, and this really helps. Sometimes I just have to list things in order of priority for that day and accept that the things at the bottom of the list won’t get done just yet.