The best pieces of advice I’ve ever had
All in one place
Who do you look to as your role models, your mentors, your life guides? If you’re anything like me, your supply of useful wisdom comes from a pick ‘n’ mix box full of contributions from all over the shop.
Through the years, these pieces of advice - some profound, others trivial and almost silly - are the tenets I’ve leaned on, consistently. I don’t have a ranking system for them. The little things hold equal value for me with the pep talks that have gotten me through being fired. Anything that might work for me has its role in helping me to feel as energetic, positive and whole as I strive to be.
Here, I’ve tried to write down everything that has truly helped me. It’s the stuff that has helped me change from the little idiot you see above (pictured with my mum and two brothers, 1982), who made it through high school and being a bit of a twerp in her 20s to somehow pulled it together to have really quite a nice life. It’s the stuff that continues to help me when I’m feeling down or anxious or having a confidence wobble. Where possible, the giver of the advice gets the credit, but there’s a lot here where I simply can’t remember where I heard it.
Hopefully some of these will help you. But also: I love that this kind of list usually sparks a conversation, so I’d love you to share your favourite pieces of advice too.
Here goes….
Say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards
Tina Fey’s motto has driven most of my decisions since I first read the quote in her book Bossypants in 2011. It’s been the advice I lean on when I have an opportunity that also scares me a bit. If you just decide you’re going to try, you will focus on figuring it out. The first time I applied this to my life was when I was asked, when I was editor of Glamour, if I’d like to front some reports on Fashion Week for Radio 4. It was very much out of my comfort zone and, I thought, my skill set. But if I’d said no, someone who was having the exact same inner doubts - another print magazine editor - would have said yes. I listened intently to the radio producer, I did tons of research, I showed up willing to learn. I said yes and I figured it out. It was a life-changing lesson, and I try to apply it to everything.
‘Someone out there right now thinks you’re a shit. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
Blurted out to me by a stress management coach back in 1998. I’ve talked about it a lot, but it’s been so helpful. Why even bother with the impossible task of being liked by everyone? Not gonna happen, so chill out and get on with being you, and spend energy on the people who do like you. In a similar, related vein…
This comment from comedian Katherine Ryan
We were doing a podcast together and I’d said something about patriotism and how a lot of what comes with it really disturbs me. Later I wondered aloud if what I’d said would offend people. Katherine said, ‘Whatever you say is going to annoy someone, for some reason, so you might as well always just say what it is you think.’ Mind blown. She’s right. It’s a slight twist on my ‘Someone out there thinks you’re a shit’. There is no point stressing out about, or apologising for existing and being you.
Eat linseeds
A big spoon of it on my porridge most mornings means that…. How can I not be indelicate here? Nope, not possible to be indelicate I’m just going to have to say it: Friends, my pooing schedule is exemplary and I owe it all to linseeds. If you don’t need help in this department, well then, bully for you. But perhaps like me you’ve been through large chunks of your life thinking something must be terribly, seriously, wrong with you when all you needed was better digestive health. To you I say, follow my linseeds advice. You’re welcome.
You’re responsible for giving the information, but not for how it’s received
Another one from stress management training that I’ve had to lean on many times in my years of managing people. The least fun thing about being the boss is trying to manage groups of varied - and often clashing - personalities. I’ve had to have some vile conversations in my time, everything from announcing redundancies, to trying to make a difficult person understand how they’re pissing off an entire office. I don’t know if I always believe that I’m not responsible for how this info is received. It’s important to try and deliver tough words as sensitively as you can, but it’s true that you have no way of controlling exactly how people will react to it. So when I’ve been really dreading a chat that I know is going to be unpleasant, I remember this. Sometimes I just have to tell people something shitty, and this line helps me get those words out.
Breathe in for five slow counts and then out for seven
This is the most wonderful, calming feeling and something you can do for yourself any time, any place. It’s so effective in those awful moments when your anxiety is making your stomach hurt. Just take five minutes and breathe. Inhale through your nose for five slow counts. Pause and hold it for five seconds. Then slowly exhale through your mouth for seven slow counts. Do this a few times and your nervous system will respond kindly. It won’t solve the source of whatever’s stressing you out, but it will help you get a boost of resilience and clarity that just might.
Don’t snack
I wanged on about this not so long ago after my life-changing visit to the Mayr Life Clinic in Austria. I’ve taken their advice and eat three good, balanced (and for me, gluten-free) meals a day. And let my stomach rest well in between. I have lost half a stone since I started being really disciplined about this in August this year. And I’m telling you it was half a stone of painful, cramping bloat, so I’m happier without it.
When in doubt, nap
I swear, everything is better after some sleep. If I’m overworked, anxious about a problem, struggling to make a decision, feeling down for any reason, quite often the underlying issue is that I’m just too tired to be rational. About anything. I’m good at 3pm naps and take the opportunity whenever I can.
Sometimes it’s the difference between sanity and a teary tantrum. Sometimes it’s just a completely free, kind luxury you can gift yourself. My friend Donna even claims sleeping burns calories but I’m not sure about that one.
But also move
I’ve evangelised enough about exercise, I’m sure most of you don’t need my sermon on that again. (Though if you insist…).
But even something as simple as going for a walk is another proven de-stressor. I’d also say that the times I take myself off for a head-clearing walk - especially if I’ve needed a sanity break from the office, or having a mental block with writing - are the times I unclog the u-bend in my brain and come up with solutions to my problems.
This incredible quote
From writer Oliver Burkeman: ‘Remember the reason you can’t hear other people’s inner monologues of self-doubt isn’t that they don’t have them. It’s that you only have access to your own.’
It’s so important to try and stop and remember that the shit you say about yourself in your own head - ‘I’m not good enough for that job’ etc - is opinion, not fact. It’s so important to not let that rolling commentary be the reason we deny ourselves opportunities. Everyone has that inner dialogue. Some people are better than others at not letting it win.
Do just one thing you can, today
Instead of getting overwhelmed with everything you don’t have time to do, or everything you’re impatient to achieve, big or small, just stop. Breathe. What is one thing you can do today? Whatever that one thing is, it will be a step towards where you want to be. Asking myself this helps in so many ways. Firstly it’s a type of mindfulness that helps me stay in the moment, reminding me that a person really can only do so much in a day. It stops me catastrophising about everything I haven’t done. And when I start doing the one thing I’ve decided I can do that day, it usually leads me to getting a lot more done because I’ve stopped being too irrational to focus.
Do favours for no gain
Always a tricky one to explain, because even saying that selflessness gives you a great feeling doesn’t feel that… selfless. It still feels like the deed was done with the goal of getting some sort of personal gratification and that’s selfish, right? I’m just trying to say this: Sometimes the best thing for it when you’re overwhelmed with stresses and worries and fears and doubts is to forget all about your shit and focus on someone else. Be of use, of value, to someone else. And I think the warm feeling/glow of self-worth is permissible at such times.
Lean into your loves, even the ones that others say are weird
This is something I’ve learned for myself. Yes, most of my friends think it’s weird, even genuinely tragic, that I have fallen in love with Kpop.
But it brings me joy and it’s brought me friends and it’s also opened up avenues where I get paid to talk about a hobby. No harm can come from your (legal, obvs) passions. Fact. Actually they are likely to lead to fantastic new experiences.
Hire people who are better than you
When I was editing magazines, my takeaway when someone wrote better headlines or had the brilliant feature idea that went viral was that it was very clever of me to find these people. Never be afraid to surround yourself with people who are great, and always make sure they get the credit for the great work they’ve done.
Asking for help is not weak
My god, was this one was a revelation to 20-something me. It could be something as simple as, I can’t be there to pick up my daughter from the thing, to something big like feeling overwhelmed with stress. Reaching out when I need someone to lean on has always - and immediately - halved my stress levels. And I really believe that 99.9% of we human beings love to be in a position to help someone we care about. Asking someone you like and trust for help is going to help you and give them a glowing feeling too.
Don’t use the office kitchen
I rarely, if ever, come down with whatever lurgy is raging through the workplace. I’m convinced it’s because I stay well away from the kitchen and its shared cups and utensils. I’m serious - something happens to people in there. They just don’t apply the same standards of hygiene that they would in their own homes, and it renders work kitchens as terrifying 21st century plague pits.
Self-care is not selfish
I will die on this hill. It feels so radical at times to put oneself first. But as I used to explain to my sleepless newborn: ‘Darling, if you kill me, then I can’t keep you alive.’ If you’re feeling selfish about having that afternoon nap, or that day off, try thinking about how selfish it is not to. Everyone relying on you, needs you to have your energy.
Practising gratitude is not cheesy
If you’re rolling your eyes at this, I feel you. I used to be the same. But each night, I write down three things I’m grateful for, and three things I’m looking forward to the next day. It really doesn’t matter what they are. I could be grateful for everything from an uplifting chat with a friend to simply making myself a most excellent cup of tea. But I have to admit it, these happy clappy gratitude cheerleaders have a point. I go to bed reminded that things are really OK. It’s a shockingly powerful mental health tool.
Manifesting, visualisation is a real thing
Figure out what you want and focus on it. If you’re willing to sit with your goals and decide to work towards it. When you drill down on what you want, and you’re seriously thinking about how you might get there, you will start to tune into the situations and opportunities that help you get there. When I decided, at age 19, that my dream was to work in British magazines, I started focusing on it. What was as important as devouring every British mag I could get my hands on, and sacrificing a lot to save the money to get here, was being unafraid to tell people my dream. I have to admit, it sounded so ludicrous - me, an insignificant little working class runt from the crap part of Sydney, having the gall to think she could do that? With THIS fry-permed hair?? ….
But telling people about it helped me to stick to my ambition, and it meant I had conversations that led to great contacts and great pieces of advice. If you want it, think seriously about what you could do to get it. And tell people what you want. You just never know which random conversation might unlock the next door.
There you have it, the life guides that have helped me in so many ways, over so many years. For more of my advice, you can catch me and Donna Ida on our podcast, What Would Jo and Donna Do? on Apple and Spotify.
Tell me the wise words that help you. Go!
Oh how I enjoyed this, Thankyou Jo
“Someone out there right now thinks you’re a shit. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” I have always remembered you saying this and have paraphrased often. (Sure, I don’t want to be thought of as a ‘shit’ but it is helpful as I have to accept I can’t be liked by everyone. Nor can my work. And I recently reminded my husband of you saying this when he had a play on - you literally can’t please every single member of an audience, and certainly not everyone with a bloody twitter account.)