I wonder if every woman has experienced these? Because you seem perfectly lovely. I have so many. And I've known model-esque people say they've had the same. Is it just the desire to kick women where it hurts? From both men and women.
Here are some of mine:
The younger brother of a boy my friend was dating told me how horrible it must be to have a face like mine. That one really stuck with me. It felt so honest, rather than just mean.
When I came home crying on other occastions because someone else had called me ugly, my parents ( who I now understand were well-meaning) told me "but you're clever and it's more important that you're nice". Oof. No denying the insults. (Ironically, it over-inflated my perception of my intelligence, too.)
Another time when I was feeling good as a teenager with my friends before a concert, strutting out in clothes that friends had lent me for approval as the outfit, one of the chaperone mums said "you look like a model!" and my dear mum who has a thing about anyone thinking that she had fawned over her children said "shame about her face". It took me YEARS to get over it and when I reminded my mum she at first denied she could have said it (my friends remembered) and then explained that she must have just had an instinctive fear that people would think she was arrogant about her daughter's looks and OF COURSE she wouldn't have said it if it was true. She must have been "joking". Hmm.
It took me until my mid-twenties to realise I wasn't ugly, but I never stopped being precious about what photographs of me are allowed to exist because I'm not sure the belief every really left.
I know there's a thing about not focusing on young girl's appearance; instead asking them what books they're reading, etc, but I do think we need to tell them they're beautiful too, because otherwise when sh*theads try to mess with them they might also believe them.
"Shame about her face" OMG! I had similar - I was feeling great in what I considered my first 'grown up' dress, which had quite a short skirt, walking 'up the town' with my parents. I was about 14. I heard Dad say, "A girl with Ruth's legs shouldn't really wear a skirt that short"!!!
I’ve had a fair few too! I have a twin brother and when we were at secondary school the boy I fancied said to my brother “you’re prettier than your sister”. So chuffed my brother passed that one along to me. Around the same time we were moving house and I heard the removal men say “I’m not sure if it’s a girl or a boy”. They looked mortified when they saw I’d overheard them. I have thought I’m ugly every day since these incidents and I’m now 56! So yes it does have an impact. And then when I hit my late teens/twenties I suddenly began being described as really pretty - and I couldn’t discern any notable difference really! Anyway, not quite the same as to my face I guess, until the other day was looking for a more comfortable chair at work and one of my staff said “take this one Sara, it looks wider”! That made me laugh at the sheer chutzpah! I think some of the ugly comments were because I had short hair when of course attractiveness was/is based on long hair to a lot of people. But to this day I really love short hair on women, and on me. Thanks Jo, a great read again. X
I sympathise, I had short hair as a child and I remember a guest saying 'Are you sure she's a girl?' to my mother. I have literally never cut my hair short since. I was wearing a skirt and a frilly blouse and I was MORTIFIED.
I had short cropped hair and was tall and skinny as a kid and often mistaken for a boy. The power of the patriarchy brainwashing though was that I was really happy about it!
Wowzers… people are thoughtless asshats sometimes. A girl I knew once said to me ‘you look like Alicia Silverstone.’ Before adding ‘Alicia Silverstone is really ugly.’
I did what any self respecting person in 2007 did and unfriended her on Facebook.
This one made me laugh out loud Jo. Not at you but in solidarity, I’m sure over the years I’ve had a fair few backhanded insults, and open ones. That van driver is the worst though! 😲
The problem is that being an adult is the most ridiculous thing we'll ever do. When we're children we're told what to do all the time. Study for the test. Brush your teeth. Share. But as an adult nobody offers us guidance. We're just supposed to figure it out. It's a lawless playground out there. So here's one to spread around to the adults:
Except for a general “You look great!” with people we know well, we don’t comment on other people’s bodies (“Wow, you’re so tall!”). We also don’t discuss other people’s bodies (“Do you think he lost weight?”). There was a time when this kind of chatter was acceptable. We don’t do this anymore.
You know what I think? I think people are jealous of you. Looking at these pix of you I can't see anything wrong with your appearance, in fact I can see a whole lot of charming attractive aspects of your appearance. Nasty people like to put down attractive people, and when I say 'attractive', I mean those with allure, not necessarily people who are superficially 'pretty'. I had a Frenemy (a woman, younger than me) who I thought I was very close to who used to say things to me like, 'did you always have facial hair or did it get worse as you got older?' - I was in my mid forties. And 'you're not fat Deborah you just have a Bantu bum' (unpack that sentence). In the end I just cut her out of my life. I realised I wasn't responsible for her bad behaviour. I like that saying, up until the age of 40 you have the face you were born with, after that, you get the face you deserve.
It is my belief that people say things like this because it is a reflection of their insecurities. Unfortunately, I am also someone people feel ok to say these things too. I wonder if it because we portrait an innate sense of self worth that other people want to diminish?
My most recent example is a younger girl at work, who constantly brings my age up and always adds a few years. Also feels compelled to constantly tell me she is a size extra small.
I feel these things are just her own insecurities about being young and dumb (she is) and about being body conscious.
In my 20s, skinny as hell and with a shaved head and cheekbones, I sat next to an elderly American artist at a gallery dinner. We chatted away amiably for some time and then he said, thoughtfully, “you know, you’re actually very attractive.” And then he paused, and added, “it’s not obvious at first.” The jaw of the woman sitting opposite us landed on her plate while I fell about laughing (because actually it was fairly accurate at the time, people were terribly confused by the hair) - it remains one of my most cherished insults
A woman once insulted me by telling me I had a fat jaw! I might have one, I don't even know what a fat jaw is, and it's certainly not an insult I've heard before or since!
Less direct but when people say you look tired, usually with added sympathetic gaze, always grates on me.
I'm lucky, I suppose, because mostly passers-by don't say random things to me, but one that stuck was when a guy I knew from university told me "You're lucky your face is so wide, it balances out your linebacker shoulders." I have avoided shoulder pads ever since.
I will never not be shocked at how many people think it's perfectly fine to just casually pass comment/judgement on our bodies! I'm sad that it had that affect on you because I bet it is bullshit! Thank you for sharing here. xx
Why do we only ever remember the bad stuff? For what it’s worth I’ve always thought you were both gorgeous and stylish, and am envious you can rock short hair. When I cut mine off ten years ago I woke up every morning looking like a potato x
I don't know if I would take that from that gesture. I think a lot of men are trying hard to not be the 'all men' who everyone says are arseholes. I think there's been a notable return to a bit of chivalry on the tube. I bet the young man was thinking this expensive looking lady should not have to stand! xx
I had this recently! Even worse, I was with my husband who found it absolutely hysterical. On the plus side, at least there are still nice people offering seats....
My God the actual nerve of some people. A guy shouted from scaffolding that my arse was 'like two footballs' - in 1984. I have never been able to un-hear it.
I wonder whether the white van man upgraded to a Range Rover (though sadly I think it was two separate men!). I was crossing the road having been to Tesco a few years ago and the same thing happened to me - traffic was at a complete standstill and a man leant out of the window of his car and shouted “get a move on you daft cunt!” I was so shocked (as was a random lady next to me who said “I can’t believe he said that”). After composing myself for a few seconds I lost it and started shouting at him to go fuck himself (and gave him the finger while taking down his numberplate). I sometimes still fantasise about what I would do if i could go back in time and have it happen again…would have been so satisfying to have slowly and deliberately walked round his car while smashing all his lights one by one with a tin of baked beans :)
I wonder if every woman has experienced these? Because you seem perfectly lovely. I have so many. And I've known model-esque people say they've had the same. Is it just the desire to kick women where it hurts? From both men and women.
Here are some of mine:
The younger brother of a boy my friend was dating told me how horrible it must be to have a face like mine. That one really stuck with me. It felt so honest, rather than just mean.
When I came home crying on other occastions because someone else had called me ugly, my parents ( who I now understand were well-meaning) told me "but you're clever and it's more important that you're nice". Oof. No denying the insults. (Ironically, it over-inflated my perception of my intelligence, too.)
Another time when I was feeling good as a teenager with my friends before a concert, strutting out in clothes that friends had lent me for approval as the outfit, one of the chaperone mums said "you look like a model!" and my dear mum who has a thing about anyone thinking that she had fawned over her children said "shame about her face". It took me YEARS to get over it and when I reminded my mum she at first denied she could have said it (my friends remembered) and then explained that she must have just had an instinctive fear that people would think she was arrogant about her daughter's looks and OF COURSE she wouldn't have said it if it was true. She must have been "joking". Hmm.
It took me until my mid-twenties to realise I wasn't ugly, but I never stopped being precious about what photographs of me are allowed to exist because I'm not sure the belief every really left.
I know there's a thing about not focusing on young girl's appearance; instead asking them what books they're reading, etc, but I do think we need to tell them they're beautiful too, because otherwise when sh*theads try to mess with them they might also believe them.
Thanks for this mini therapy session! :-D
I wrote it as my mini therapy session! Thank you for sharing, it really helps! xx
"Shame about her face" OMG! I had similar - I was feeling great in what I considered my first 'grown up' dress, which had quite a short skirt, walking 'up the town' with my parents. I was about 14. I heard Dad say, "A girl with Ruth's legs shouldn't really wear a skirt that short"!!!
Oh nooooo! I hope you kept wearing the short skirts if you liked them!
I’ve had a fair few too! I have a twin brother and when we were at secondary school the boy I fancied said to my brother “you’re prettier than your sister”. So chuffed my brother passed that one along to me. Around the same time we were moving house and I heard the removal men say “I’m not sure if it’s a girl or a boy”. They looked mortified when they saw I’d overheard them. I have thought I’m ugly every day since these incidents and I’m now 56! So yes it does have an impact. And then when I hit my late teens/twenties I suddenly began being described as really pretty - and I couldn’t discern any notable difference really! Anyway, not quite the same as to my face I guess, until the other day was looking for a more comfortable chair at work and one of my staff said “take this one Sara, it looks wider”! That made me laugh at the sheer chutzpah! I think some of the ugly comments were because I had short hair when of course attractiveness was/is based on long hair to a lot of people. But to this day I really love short hair on women, and on me. Thanks Jo, a great read again. X
I sympathise, I had short hair as a child and I remember a guest saying 'Are you sure she's a girl?' to my mother. I have literally never cut my hair short since. I was wearing a skirt and a frilly blouse and I was MORTIFIED.
That is just.... why are people?????? x
I had short cropped hair and was tall and skinny as a kid and often mistaken for a boy. The power of the patriarchy brainwashing though was that I was really happy about it!
Wowzers… people are thoughtless asshats sometimes. A girl I knew once said to me ‘you look like Alicia Silverstone.’ Before adding ‘Alicia Silverstone is really ugly.’
I did what any self respecting person in 2007 did and unfriended her on Facebook.
A younger guy chatted to me in The Ivy, I was enjoying the attention until he said I hope my wife is like you when she gets to your age 🤣
This one made me laugh out loud Jo. Not at you but in solidarity, I’m sure over the years I’ve had a fair few backhanded insults, and open ones. That van driver is the worst though! 😲
The problem is that being an adult is the most ridiculous thing we'll ever do. When we're children we're told what to do all the time. Study for the test. Brush your teeth. Share. But as an adult nobody offers us guidance. We're just supposed to figure it out. It's a lawless playground out there. So here's one to spread around to the adults:
Except for a general “You look great!” with people we know well, we don’t comment on other people’s bodies (“Wow, you’re so tall!”). We also don’t discuss other people’s bodies (“Do you think he lost weight?”). There was a time when this kind of chatter was acceptable. We don’t do this anymore.
Jo, this is so funny I was laughing out loud. Thank you.
You know what I think? I think people are jealous of you. Looking at these pix of you I can't see anything wrong with your appearance, in fact I can see a whole lot of charming attractive aspects of your appearance. Nasty people like to put down attractive people, and when I say 'attractive', I mean those with allure, not necessarily people who are superficially 'pretty'. I had a Frenemy (a woman, younger than me) who I thought I was very close to who used to say things to me like, 'did you always have facial hair or did it get worse as you got older?' - I was in my mid forties. And 'you're not fat Deborah you just have a Bantu bum' (unpack that sentence). In the end I just cut her out of my life. I realised I wasn't responsible for her bad behaviour. I like that saying, up until the age of 40 you have the face you were born with, after that, you get the face you deserve.
It is my belief that people say things like this because it is a reflection of their insecurities. Unfortunately, I am also someone people feel ok to say these things too. I wonder if it because we portrait an innate sense of self worth that other people want to diminish?
My most recent example is a younger girl at work, who constantly brings my age up and always adds a few years. Also feels compelled to constantly tell me she is a size extra small.
I feel these things are just her own insecurities about being young and dumb (she is) and about being body conscious.
I also just have to laugh.
In my 20s, skinny as hell and with a shaved head and cheekbones, I sat next to an elderly American artist at a gallery dinner. We chatted away amiably for some time and then he said, thoughtfully, “you know, you’re actually very attractive.” And then he paused, and added, “it’s not obvious at first.” The jaw of the woman sitting opposite us landed on her plate while I fell about laughing (because actually it was fairly accurate at the time, people were terribly confused by the hair) - it remains one of my most cherished insults
A woman once insulted me by telling me I had a fat jaw! I might have one, I don't even know what a fat jaw is, and it's certainly not an insult I've heard before or since!
Less direct but when people say you look tired, usually with added sympathetic gaze, always grates on me.
Where do people come up with this stuff? And how do they not intervene between the thought entering their brain and it coming out of their mouth? xx
I'm lucky, I suppose, because mostly passers-by don't say random things to me, but one that stuck was when a guy I knew from university told me "You're lucky your face is so wide, it balances out your linebacker shoulders." I have avoided shoulder pads ever since.
I will never not be shocked at how many people think it's perfectly fine to just casually pass comment/judgement on our bodies! I'm sad that it had that affect on you because I bet it is bullshit! Thank you for sharing here. xx
Why do we only ever remember the bad stuff? For what it’s worth I’ve always thought you were both gorgeous and stylish, and am envious you can rock short hair. When I cut mine off ten years ago I woke up every morning looking like a potato x
There is no way that is true, beautiful Jojo! xx
I was in london on my way to a show, all blow dried and manicured and wearing my new Sezane clothes...in short, feeling my best!
Got on the underground, when suddenly to my horror, a very sweet and polite young man sitting down (i was standing) stood up and offered me his seat.
Game over. I am officially old!
I don't know if I would take that from that gesture. I think a lot of men are trying hard to not be the 'all men' who everyone says are arseholes. I think there's been a notable return to a bit of chivalry on the tube. I bet the young man was thinking this expensive looking lady should not have to stand! xx
I had this recently! Even worse, I was with my husband who found it absolutely hysterical. On the plus side, at least there are still nice people offering seats....
My God the actual nerve of some people. A guy shouted from scaffolding that my arse was 'like two footballs' - in 1984. I have never been able to un-hear it.
Footballs are quite taut, hot buns xxxxx
I wonder whether the white van man upgraded to a Range Rover (though sadly I think it was two separate men!). I was crossing the road having been to Tesco a few years ago and the same thing happened to me - traffic was at a complete standstill and a man leant out of the window of his car and shouted “get a move on you daft cunt!” I was so shocked (as was a random lady next to me who said “I can’t believe he said that”). After composing myself for a few seconds I lost it and started shouting at him to go fuck himself (and gave him the finger while taking down his numberplate). I sometimes still fantasise about what I would do if i could go back in time and have it happen again…would have been so satisfying to have slowly and deliberately walked round his car while smashing all his lights one by one with a tin of baked beans :)